The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
its liver damage thursday
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
