I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
