If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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