im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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