it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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