I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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