ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
