God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
