Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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