Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
