when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
MIDGETS
????
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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