Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
