At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
