is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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