I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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