I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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