Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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