Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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