I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
