I looked at my own cervix.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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