Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
