Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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