Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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