I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
