I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
