the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
