he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
