Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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