I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
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