i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
