Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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