I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
