dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
What drink are we having for lunch?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
