God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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