WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
