he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
