Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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