I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
