listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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