No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
