Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
