I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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