I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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