I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
