you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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