By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
