I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
