i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
