Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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