OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
