My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
