The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
